I've got 99 Problems, and most of them are Due to Alcohol

Ending Toxic Relationships

I once heard a wise man say, “Son, you might not think you have an alcohol problem, but if all your problems involve alcohol, well, you just might have an alcohol problem.” Sitting in a class with 20 or so other DUI offenders, I started to see there was merit to this proclamation, I had an alcohol problem. I was after all, taking a court-ordered course in order to begin the long road to getting my license back. Months previous to this, my best friend told me that I reminded him of Chris Brown. Not for the laying hands on a woman, but that all my problems usually involved two main sources: alcohol and women. Often times, my problems involved both. I probably would have rather he said the resemblance was due to our similar dancing skills, but I RECEIVED what was needed, for my character, my morality, and most importantly my shift. A shift towards a sober, better human.

My journey with alcohol started out, probably a lot later than most, with a protective and fearful mother on one side of the fence, and my fathers’ side with alcoholism, but when I became a “free man” moving across the country, things started to get real crazy. Things you only see in Hollywood movies. Things I shouldn’t have survived, events that I was saved from by what could only be God’s grace and love. Drinking is engrained in our North American culture, perhaps even a sort of rite of passage, but one that can also be a lifelong addiction. Pressure is everywhere we turn. Its our choice to engage or not engage, and I was engaging, using and abusing alcohol.

Working on the road for most of my late teens and early twenties, drinking (and blacking out) every Friday and Saturday night-the occasional Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday making an appearance-was pretty much standard for a long time. Working hard all week to throw it all away by the weekend, and start over again come Monday. A constant loop and pattern of negative behaviors, hating myself for it, then doing it all again. I had the worldly things, the material things, and yet there is no way I can tell you that I was happy, that I loved myself, loved God, felt fulfilled and purposeful. I would have been lying. My health suffered both mentally and physically, spiritually I was the equivalent of dead inside. All the progress I would make in the week, whether that be through work or working out (the only form of personal development I pursued at the time), was completely negated by hangovers, three hundred dollar bar tabs a night, and the McDonalds’ drive through at 3AM.

A McDonald’s drive through at 3AM, after a 300$ bar night is exactly where I found my life at a crossroads, now possibly the single-biggest catalyst in my personal development: I got a DUI.

At first, I passed the blame to anyone else I saw fit. My friends, my parents, God; anyone else so I didn’t have to bear that responsibility. Anyone so that I didn’t have to feel the weight of my actions, the repercussions to MY CHOICES. Oh, and I did this for a long time, you thought I stopped drinking after I got caught and charged with a DUI? The night after being charged, I was back at the same bar, with the same friends, arrogantly saying “Hey bro, good to see you again” to the same police officer who administered my in-station exam.

I was an asshole. Horrible to the people I claimed I loved, women that I was dating and women I wasn’t, my friends, my family. I wasn’t making anything purposeful of my life, living solely for self gratification and pleasure. It took me still a few years to quit drinking completely, save a couple beers on vacation in the last year. I finally was holding myself accountable. I had come to the realization AND understanding that I did in fact have an alcohol problem. Most of my problems were self caused and self harming, due to my poor relationship with myself first. That’s where it all stemmed from.

I’ll save the drawn out story of my journey to now, for now. I would like to talk about how my perspective changed, and my mindset shifted. I didn’t just have an alcohol problem, I had a problem with myself. I was living a life inauthentic to me, a life I had lived in fear of and seemed to call in, the life of my father before me, as someone with an alcohol problem. I chose that. It was always solely my decision, and now I understand that it was an integral chapter in my life, to being the man I am now, and that I strive to be. I chose to be that version of myself much longer than I should have, either very stubbornly or very stupidly, a bit of both. Some people can withstand ( or put themselves through) very dark parts of themself, this world and truly Hell, the experience, I am one of those people. It has helped me realize my strength, which of course is God-given and built through constant and consistent resistance, similar to how physical strength is built. Spiritual strength is tested in spiritual warfare.

I had to take responsibility for my choices. Accountability for the spot and situations I found myself in, due to those choices. No one else but me is and was responsible for my choices, and my resulting life. I had to abandon relationships and friend groups that primarily served as drinking buddies and partners, and I was abandoned when I made the decision to change that part of my life. It fucking sucked and it hurt, but I know I’m better off for it. Very rarely can we fully avoid situations involving alcohol, but if I found myself out at a bar, there was no desire to be the center of attention in the room, the one drinking until he blacked out, the one hitting on all the girls he could. Every time I made a better choice, I reinforced my self-imposed standards for myself, my steps to better myself. I could walk through the fire, and no longer be burned. Eventually, the fire goes out completely. I started to see through the eyes of someone with a clean and sober mind, while being surrounded by drunks. I still shudder when I think of how I used to behave, and I ask forgiveness for that.

I had to FORGIVE MYSELF, as well as ask for forgiveness from my Father, before I could step forward into the journey of healing. We may have to ask for forgiveness every damn day, none of us is a saint. Healing isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing, it’s a lifelong pursuit of betterment through understanding of the self. Only after I started to develop a good relationship with myself, built on love, forgiveness and understanding, could I begin to heal external relationships and outcomes. Internal always comes before external. I am extremely grateful to be able to sit here and reflect on my relationship with alcohol, that it didn’t get the best of me. The best is still to come.

“You might not think you have an alcohol problem, but son, if all your problems involve alcohol….YOU DO.”

I’m not here to tell anyone what to do, but if your relationship with alcohol is toxic, stale or needs to be cut out, I urge you to make a list. Make a list of your current problems. Evaluate them, and see how much weight the presence of alcohol has over them. Is alcohol a common theme in your problems? Could your problems be solved through the reduction or removal of alcohol? Its time to do an honest inventory of yourself, your decisions and behaviours. Are they serving you well, not serving you at all, or negatively serving you and/or others? Be accountable for this, because our decisions are solely ours to make.

If you’ve made this choice, or are ready to make the choice to cut out alcohol, I congratulate you on the conscious decision that you’re making in order to better your life. The decision is up to you. You might have to revisit your choice every weekend. You can tell yourself that one drink, one night, one weekend wouldn’t hurt in the long run, it may not seem like a bad decision at the time but it could end up being the one that costs you the most. Will you go back on an agreement you made with yourself? You will be tested, that’s kind of the point. Will you go back to behaviors that don’t serve you or better you, or will you respect and love yourself enough to trust that you’re making positive, forward-thinking choices and decisions? You might have to do this every day, battling yourself every day. I promise you, those constant battles and winning of battles will build a stronger, more resilient, more sure you, until its no longer even a thought in your head, no reaction needed. Its no longer a part of you.

I no longer have an alcohol problem, and with that, many of my problems disappeared. Some of them took longer than others, healing is different for everyone, but nevertheless my life a whole lot less problematic.

I serve something greater than myself, I live with purpose, saved by God. I am constantly healing, understanding myself, and trusting myself. The more I step into my truth and my path, the more men and women along the same path and journeys have come into my life. People that are focused on bettering themselves and by proxy, betterment of the world. You’re not alone. I used to think that, but I realize how self-absorbed that is. We all have struggles, vices and trauma. There are people out there that have been through it, and that want to give you a shoulder to lean on when things get rough. God is out there, waiting for you to invite him in, to help you.

I fuck up, albeit much less than I used to. That seems to be a part of this experience here, and absolutely necessary for development, it certainly is for me. You’re supposed to make mistakes on this journey, expected to even. The choices you make after that are more important. I expect to make more mistakes, and I’m sure you will too, but if we all lead with honesty, accountability and trust, and pursue higher outcomes and purpose for ourselves, we will all be a lot better off, individually and as a community. Ultimately, I ask you to have love for yourself, love and trust. You wouldn’t hurt yourself if you truly loved yourself, its impossible.